a kaleidoscope collage of the world.
I fell in love with you through an infinite of tiny moments.
Moments spent under bed covers in my shoebox apartment and in your garden chain-smoking cheap cigarettes; moments when we ran out of your house in the middle of the night and soaked our bones in the English rain; moments that filled our midnights with nervousness from every delicate touch; moments when the whole world could be reduced to the sounds from our beating hearts and felt from the heat of our breathes; moments where I filled my mind and soul with your network of muscles and bones; moments that unfolded themselves in every sunrise and sunset.
But on a cold Sunday morning, when I stood by the doorframe and watched you take over my kitchen by storm, that’s when I knew it.
That is when I knew I wanted to give you a kaleidoscope collage of the world.
I wanted to pave in the continents and oceans with moments that would be worth rebuffing and reflecting on when you grew tired of the city. I wanted to write down lantern of lined words that would be worth replaying and replying to when the votive darkness would wash over your head. I wanted to paint you memories that would be worth reopening and returning to when you felt the cracks in your heart escalate with every pulse.
I wanted to make meaning from the meaningless, and lace your disdain through every reason until they lamented themselves into stone. I wanted to give you hope in fragments, and fill in the parts that were lost to the tides and the sea. I wanted to tell you that I would always remember every detail, even if the rest of the world has chosen to forget.
But most of all, I wanted to gift you a love that would be worth reliving when I am 7,869 miles away from you. I wanted to show you that I would always be your always, and that my love would exist in every quarterlight of every hour. I wanted to show you that we were more than two dots on a world map, and that the depth of the ocean would win over distant between the stars every time.
And because of that, I wanted to give you a kaleidoscope collage of the world.
I remember you because I am scared of forgetting.
I am trying to keep you alive.
I am trying to keep you alive by remembering you in instants and flashbacks; in your cursive penmanship that are tattered across notebooks and through photographs that live on my bedroom walls. Sometimes these memories come to me in the middle of the night, and I have to stubbornly fight the tears that shock my body into waves of missing you.
Remembering you always comes in waves. At first, it’s just the outline of your dark hair and soft, bright eyes. And then I remember the way your voice sounds when you wake up, and how you would whisper beautiful words in my ears when I try to leave the bed. I remember the way your body felt sleeping next to mine, and how you would grin when you knew I was awake. I remember the way my skin felt when it met yours, and how I never wanted to leave the world we created under twisted covers and rumpled sheets.
I remember how I fell through the surface of want was deep in the pools of need when we spent our first night together. I remember the good days spent being lost in the city, and evenings in your apartment. I remember learning about you through photo albums from your father, and from stories your brother told me while we sat waiting in the hospital. I remember you until I become a pile of disarrayed and haphazard memories, because I remember failing, too. I remember that the most.
I remember telling you I loved you when you brokenly came to me on a cold Thursday night. Your eyes were swollen, and I saw the marks on your bruised knuckles. I remember promising you I’d try to fix the madness you felt in your bones and cure the darkness that traveled through your veins. I remember feeding you words that would protest the unlikelihood of losing you to your mind. There is always glory in the attempt, you once said to me. But attempting to keep you alive through these memories feels nothing like glory.
I remember you through sharp exhales and closed fists. I clasp them so tightly that my knuckles turn white and my nails dig into my palms. I don’t notice the marks until my roommate points them out to me the next morning. But she doesn’t say anything else because there is an unspoken promise of not mentioning you. She doesn’t want to unspool the memories and turn them into words. She doesn’t know how to address death with grace. None of us do.
I remember you because I am scared of forgetting. I have already forgotten life before I met you, and I am scared that this will be the same. I am scared that I won’t remember the way you smelt or the way you would talk about your dreams of creating beauty with bricks and stones. I am scared that my memory won’t serve you well, because you deserve to be remembered. You deserve stories that illustrate the sum of your victories, and not the sum of your mistakes. You deserve someone saying that the memory of you is their greatest achievement. You deserve to be alive in every way possible, even when you aren’t.
I hope you are reading my love from the skylines above, and that you know we are all coping in our own ways. I hope you know that missing you comes as naturally as every intake of air, and that I would trade in the world for one more afternoon with you. I hope you know that I am sincerely sorry for everything that happened between us. But most of all, I hope you know that I loved you then, and that I still love you now.
All I wish is that you could be here to listen to me say it.
*As seen on Thought Catalog - http://thoughtcatalog.com/stephanie-martin/2014/04/this-is-what-happens-when-i-remember-you/
We are all cynics waiting to come undone.
I think of the nights we stayed up talking, losing sleep with conversations about the universe that flowed higher and higher, night after night. I liked being restless with you, and I liked being the unguarded version of myself that only ever appeared when the moon glowed outside of your window. What is it about the stars, and how do they pull the soft words from my heart? Whatever it is, let it never stop. Let it lift me higher from the leagues of the world underneath. Let it hide the terrifying creatures that live in the ocean below. Let it anchor me to the delicate moments of the night with you. Never let it stop.
I liked your accountability with words, and how they became the only thing left with me when the night turned into day. We ignored the warning signs on the radar and charged with full speed, gathering momentum with every kiss and laugh from the debris of our words. We left bruises on each other, but never scars; for all we needed was a temporary reminder of the fragments we were giving to each other. I found beauty in the blues and purples, rather than the heated red that only lovers know of. Almost lovers have no need for devotion, for we were soaring high from the nicotine rush that flooded through our veins.
I wanted you to fill my ears up with neon, rather than the monotonous pastels that I was so use to digesting from repeated conversations with other boys. But that was too much to ask for, you said. Too much for a lonely boy to give to a lonely girl who was still figuring herself out. Winter souls only need each other to get through the night, and we both had thick coats to keep us warm during the days.
You were my last thought that evening when I fell asleep next to you, breathing in your cologne and letting your gentle whispers weave into my mind. And tonight, I will let you haunt my dreams with the great perhaps.
I promise, I will only come back to reality if I have to.
This Is How We Will Say Goodbye
This is how we will leave each other.
You will leave at 10:13 on platform 12, seven minutes before you have to catch your train back home. I will have knots in my hair and will be wearing the same clothes from last night, because we would have ran out of time in the morning to shower or tidy ourselves up.
I will try to tell you all the things I have kept inside of me, but my aptitude for words will be falling short. Instead, we will talk about the weather and how you hope the train won’t be filled with people on their morning commute. The unlucky vowels that I had chained together during our car ride will stay tucked away under my tongue, and will be washed down with the strongest coffee that the barista had to offer at the petrol station. I will jokingly ask him if coffee can wash down the shame of being cheated on, and he will reply that tequila works best for that.
I will leave you with the brightest smile that I can craft, parting you with the illusion that my heart isn’t breaking into a thousand pieces. I will think how the fragile pieces shine like the reflective glass in the concrete mixture on the floor. I will keep looking at them while you go through the checklist of things you need to bring. I will note how I am not on it and feel the cracks under my ribs escalate with every beating pulse. I have every right to be angry, you will say. It is as if validation can only be granted with your signed approval and charming smile. I will focus on counting the glittering particles and wait for acceptance to wash over me. I will pray that it’s on the next train coming in so that I can leave with more than what I came with.
I will leave you with the heartbreak that has folded itself inwardly with unforgiving heaviness. I will feel tiredness in every limb that begins from the chest and escalates to my toes. Even my words will seem dull and dry, and I will not know how to make them sound exciting or beautiful like they use to. Maybe that’s what you thought of when you kissed her; how her words shined so brightly in that dark bar and how her voice coated every syllable with an enthralling allure.
Looking at my words hurt my eyes, because they now exist with so much madness and disappointment that I feel like they are judging me for being such a poor host to them. All that is pouring out of my fingertips are harsh arrangements like ‘fuck’, ‘shit’, ‘betrayal’ and a couple of ‘what the fuck’ with too many ‘why the hell did you do that, you asshole’. Those are just a few examples of the words that I want to throw at you.
The ability to write delicate pretty words will be put on the back burner, because I have lost the ability to string together flowing lines on how much I loved you. I wanted to remind the world that I had never seen such bright and promising eyes like yours, but the world no longer needs to hear them. So I will follow the barista’s suggestion and begin my search for too much tequila with my roommate.
I will learn to live and let live, just like how you once whispered into my ears as we danced at your sister’s wedding in October. I will remember that it is your loss and that you are missing out on the fullness that only I can offer you.
I will leave you with open palms and my head held high to the summer sky. I will leave with grace and integrity that you lack in both virtues and morals. But most of all, I will leave you with the certainty that I will one day feel love in my ribs for another boy who will think that I am more than enough. I will leave you because I deserve better than anything you can offer, and the two other chances I gave you were twice too many.
*As Seen On Thought Catalog
I Know How It Feels.
I know how it feels to have a tinder heart and a paper body. To feel so soft against the world that seems too harsh, and think that a spark could turn you straight into ash.
I know how it feels to tread through air and startle the phantoms that haunt the silent corners, and to want to freeze the moments where you felt so alive in a time capsule for safekeeping. I know how coating your thoughts with nostalgia makes breathing easier, because living in the past doesn’t seem so terrible when you’ve lost the map to the future, right?
I know how it feels to run your hands through pages and pages of letters scattered on your bedroom floor. They wrote you beautiful words that now make you feel as hollow as the bottles you drink. You try to find the messages left inside each of them, and you let yourself become weaker than how you aspire to be.
I know how it feels to remember promises that now shine like empty words with their tattered edges. They were real, they say to you. They were here. Empty thoughts can set such carless fires to the soul, but you and I both know that, don’t we? We can trace the source from the trail of ashes that have been left behind from its spark.
I know how it feels to measure moments in the heartbeats you skip, and how a palm can feel like salvation with such grace and poise. You remember the way their hand felt against your cheek and on the curve of your back. You remember how they held you with so much strength and devotion on those cool summer nights. You thought to yourself: This is it. This is the only magic that the universe needs to know of.
I know how it feels to know the shadows behind the shades in your living room, and to know that the bare floorboards hold the secrets to your heart. They saw you both dancing to Bruce Springsteen in the summer, and watched you fall in love when the first snowflake fell from the December sky. They were there when they got down on one knee and asked you the simplest question. They saw you say yes to the ring that holds onto you because it fits – not because it is fastened or stretched by false pretenses.
I know how it feels to wrestle with emptiness, and to want to undo the not-doing with one final gesture. I know how it feels when the weight of darkness crashes down onto your chest in the middle of the night, and how you wish things would stop spinning because the axis seems tilted now. I know, love, I know.
I know how it feels to be lost, left, and forgotten.
But I also know how it feels to breathe through the pain and create something beautiful out of its residue. I know that there is strength within you to put one foot in front of the other and sprint with momentum. I know that your humble hands are capable of creating beauty in brush strokes and in inked penmanship. I know that the city lights will guide you towards the better, and that you are never too broken to be beyond repaired.
I know how it feels being lost within infinite moments and memories, but I also know that you are not alone. I know that there is strength in you to right the new wrongs. I can see it in your dilated eyes as you search for the answer for your fragile heart. I know that you will create beauty in the neglected and plaster yourself together with every fresh exhale.
I know how it feels, and I know that you will make it through all of this.
*as seen on Thought Catalog